Let’s Ditch Everything That Makes America America by Electing Donald Trump!

What has democracy ever done for us?

Apart from equal rights, respecting the essential dignity of every person, and the rule of law, I mean.

Has it given us flying cars?

It has not.

But now the Supreme Ruling Junta Guardian Council Commissar Court has ditched that “rule of law” business, I expect things to improve around here.

America’s going back to its roots. Way back. Like the time when one guy told all of us what to do.

You didn’t need to wear yourself out deciding stuff. George III decided it for you.

He was also a stylish dude: Check out the fab gear.

Nobody dared threaten to prosecute him, that’s for sure.

True, the British put Charles I on trial for treason in 1649, convicted him, then chopped off his head for insisting that God had chosen him as king, therefore he could do any damn thing he wanted.

Times have moved on. No more beheading our lords and masters.

After all, Donald Trump says God chose him, too.

They didn’t have a wise and sensible court in England back then. Here in America, our Supremes now inform us the president — by which they mean Donald Trump, of course — cannot be tried for treason.

Or corruption.

Or bribery.

Or stealing classified documents.

Or inciting an insurrection to overturn a free and fair election.

Or anything else as long as it was an “official act.”

And who gets to say what’s “official”? Why, our own dear Federalist Society Ayatollahs.

Richard Nixon was right all along: “When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.”

Economical with the truth

Lefties will point out that quite a few of the sitting Just-Say-No-Trials-for-Trump justices might have said things at their confirmation hearings that don’t exactly square with their recent decision putting the president above the law.

Like that nice lady Amy Coney Barrett, who declared: “No one is above the law.”

And Samuel Alito: “No person in this country is above the law.”

And John Roberts: “No one is above the law under our system, and that includes the president.”

And Neil Gorsuch: “No man is above the law.”

Brett Kavanaugh quoted Federalist 69 about how presidents should be “liable to prosecution and punishment in the ordinary course of law” and added, “I do not think anyone thinks of immunity. And why not? No one is above the law. And that is just such a foundational principle of the Constitution and equal justice.”

Well, that was then, this is now, and how do you know they didn’t have their fingers crossed?

Besides, surely you agree that when the opportunity presents itself to create a nice little autocracy benefitting you, your religious fanatic allies, and your lovely billionaire patrons you must seize it.

Plus, who among us hasn’t been economical with the truth at a job interview?

The majority of the court is merely fulfilling the mission laid out for them by their friends at the Heritage Foundation in their Project 2025.

New Order

Lovingly hand-crafted by hundreds of Trump administration alumni, unwoke professors, good Catholics (the Torquemada type, not the Pope Francis type), and other fine white people, P2025 aims to cut off free contraception, outlaw mifepristone, abolish the Department of Education (because where does education get anybody?), hamstring the Civil Rights Act, defund the FBI, the Department of Justice, and the Department of Homeland Security, shut down the Federal Reserve, decimate welfare, replace all federal employees with political appointees, and bring our nation back to godliness.

Exactly as Justice Alito recommended.

When Donaldus Magnus becomes Dear Leader next January, he and his court will establish a New Order in which the un-white must acknowledge that only real Americans, heirs to gentlemen of property such as Washington, Jefferson, and Madison, are the natural rulers of this country, not swarthy immigrants from below the southern border or even swarthier descendants of Africans who came over “to work on agricultural plantations.”

Women must accept men as their natural rulers (girls, you have ONE JOB — white babies!) and go back to learning how to make cakes from scratch.

Most crucially, America must return to the True Faith of oil, the only energy source for genuine patriots.

As the Project proclaims, “Stop the war on fossil fuels!”

In the unlikely event this so-called climate change thing is real, we’ll fix it simply by refusing to name it. Worked great in Florida!

Why not ditch elections, too?

If anyone objects (your old hippies, your Green New Dealers, your Al Gores, your South Florida residents drowning in the latest floods), no longer can they go crying to Washington.

Our Super Supremes have overturned the Chevron Doctrine, decreeing federal agencies, with their thousands of climate scientists, chemists, engineers, wildlife biologists, MD’s, Ph.Ds., JD’s, and other elites, don’t get to decide what’s clean air, clean water, what animals ought to be saved, etc.

If you’re a species, and you’re endangered, I say it’s probably your own fault. You shouldn’t be living in a forest that needs logging or waterways where people want to go fast in their boats or near major highways.

Government has got to go.

Mr. Kevin Roberts, president of the Heritage Foundation, says, “We are in the process of the second American Revolution.”

Back in the 1770s, they liked to talk about “freedom,” “justice,” and “progress.”

Well, look where that’s got us: woman suffrage, a minimum wage, affordable health care, a free press, the end of slavery, and too much damn democracy.

I say while we’re righting the American ship of state, why not ditch elections, too? They’re such a hassle, all that coloring in little circles when you could be in church. Or shopping.

Sure, they’ll be some resistance from the wokesters and hair-splitters who like to point to the Constitution as some kind of Bible.

They’ll back off eventually. As Heritage’s head honcho puts it — in a totally non-threatening way — the coming revolution “will remain bloodless if the left allows it to be.”

Democracy-fetishists, rights freaks, lovers of the perverted practice of voting: You’re on notice.

L’État, c’est Trump.

If I were you, I’d be extra careful walking down Fifth Avenue.

Diane Roberts is an eighth-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Times of London, The Guardian and The Washington Post, among others.