A recent story by CBS News covered a group of moms in New York City who got together for a “scream group” to let out all their frustrations with the injustices of COVID. It was a pretty straight-forward event – count to three and scream!
They did the group scream two times.
I laughed to myself … “That’s it? Just twice?”
“… Cathartic,” they said.
Releasing pent-up emotions is a noble cause.
So I think it might be fun to get cars on I-95 during rush hour to pull over, have everyone make a circle and then scream like hell at the frustration of trying to get anywhere in a car anywhere in or around Miami. Or instead of roadside yoga during traffic jams, we could host a scream circle for drivers instead. After the scream, people would take a deep breath, laugh a little, get to know the person next to them and give each other some reassuring pats on the back. I’m quite certain we could do this, get back into our cars and not miss more than a few feet of travel.
This concept of a group scream stuck with me. That so many women – and men, too, I’m sure – would feel like showing up at a park with people they don’t know to scream out their frustrations.
To be known.
To be heard.
To not feel alone.
A psychologist in the CBS News story said the scream was a healthy way for the women to express themselves. But would you bring your kids along to see your emotions spelled out in a howl? Not likely, yet isn’t that sort of what we do when we have our “mini moments” and the kids are there? What do we do? Just leave certain feelings aside and put on a happy face? What does it mean to be a parent and have feelings? Where do we deposit those emotions?
Some do it covertly.
Have you ever used the “shampoo line”? “No, honey, I wasn’t crying … I just got shampoo in my eyes while showering. I’m just fine.” (Insert forced smile and change of topic.) Yes, so a lie to cover real tears, frustrations, inner screams. Tell me I’m not the only one who has done this!
Growing up, I only remember my mother crying maybe two or three times. I credit her pioneer blood – feelings may come, but you have to just move on and stay strong.
But this is Miami, and feelings get expressed around here.
My kids have seen my husband cry from sadness (and a great documentary on Babe Ruth!) and me cry out of frustration, disappointment and exhaustion. They’ve even seen us cry together. It happened last year, when after 12 months of on-line services our church finally met in person outside at a park. My husband and I found ourselves weeping. The beauty of the live music, the surround-sound of real voices. Our masks couldn’t cover our tears. The kids asked questions later. It was a meaningful moment.
Crying and screaming all comes from the same place. We are human and we have emotions, and when you throw kids into the mix, it gets really complicated. Navigating these emotions in a healthy way is super important.
When I posed the question, “When is it OK to cry in front of our kids?” to Muche Ukegbu, an Upper East Side pastor and crisis counselor, he raised an interesting point: “Your question assumes there are moments where it is not OK to cry in front of our kids. What makes the display of emotion not OK?”
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting the question, and I had to take time to reflect on the motivation of my query. He was right. I have always felt tears in front of kids are OK, although certainly not ideal.
“We want to teach our kids healthy ways to deal with people who are in pain,” said Ukegbu. “For me, when my kids see I’m having a rough day and they rush to me to give me a hug, that’s life-giving to me. I don’t want them to worry or carry my burdens and pain, but when they can step in and give a hug and not fix it, that’s a good thing.”
I found this insight to be comforting. Some guilt I had carried on this topic dissipated, and I was also able to take some time to reflect on my own motivations and the support system I have in place.
This April, when the idea of renewal and rebirth is front and center, it might be a good idea for us all as parents to examine how our emotions impact our family. (And for that matter, how our kids use them, too!)
Feelings aren’t bad in and of themselves, but what matters most is what you do with them. So get help if you need it, call a friend if you have one, make a friend if you don’t. And if none of the above works, maybe organize your own group scream.
When wearing her work hat, Lisa Mozloom is a media and presentation training coach and PR practitioner at The M Network, but at home she is a woman passionate about raising three teens, loving her husband, and finding ways to extend hospitality and hope to those around her.