Biscayne Crime Beat January Print
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
January 2018


policeman_stopOut, Out, Damn Evidence

100 Block of NE 69th Street

Victim asked her roommate to leave their front door unlocked due to her misplacing her keys. One can always figure that maybe luck will prevail and no one will know the door isn’t locked. Alas, this is not so (of course). When our victim returned to her unlocked home, the washer and dryer were missing, ripped from their foundation. So what does one do with a burglary? Address the mess! In an effort to be clean, as always, since it is still the laundry room, she scrubbed away, removing ugly marks and also any chance for obtaining prints, rendering another police inquiry and report useless.


The Neighbor from Hell

8100 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

A woman and her roommate heard the lock of their door turning. They awoke in horror and saw through the peephole a man trying to get in using a key. He managed to open the door as one of the roommates struggled to keep him from coming in. The other roommate got on her phone and called police, causing the potential intruder to run away. That intruder lives in the building. The reign of terror, and not knowing when he will strike again, lead one to believe that maybe changing the locks is a good idea.


Nothing to See Here, Back to Netflix

6200 Block of NE 1st Court

Homeowner arrived home and saw that her television, a large plasma, was missing. She saw that entry had been made via the bathroom window, now shattered, with the perps squeezing their way in. A neighbor walked over when police arrived and said he saw two people in the victim’s backyard running away from the scene (with the television) and thought nothing of it and didn’t bother to call police. He now realizes that his critical thinking skills need an overhaul.


Tip Your Valet Please

600 Block of NE 79th Street

A man wearing a jacket that said “Valet” walked into this store and asked, innocently enough, for a glass of water. Since valet work can be exhausting, with little break time, the clerk got him some water. That’s also the decent thing to do. But being decent doesn’t pay; rather it makes for a loss. The valet put his hand into the tip jar, taking all the bills (leaving the change, of course) and walked out, sans water.


Miamians Never Ever Learn

1000 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

A customer made his purchase and walked out of the store, seemingly in a rush in a fast-paced party city. But as he got into his car and drove off, he noticed his left pocket felt light, and that the bulge was gone. He returned to the store, hoping it had been set aside, as he would surely reward that person. No reward will be offered, save for the clandestine thief scoring his wallet. No leads on this one. Security cameras are not operational at this time.


Friend of My Friend Is My Thief

1600 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

Man was at Checkers with a friend who brought along his own friend. We gather they had their made introductions a few hours before and were ready for a boys’ night out. Instead of going through the drive-in, the driver and his original friend went inside to order. When they returned, the newfound acquaintance was now gone, as well as a Bluetooth device. Only a first name is known. Not a great way to jump-start a bromance.


What a Guy

100 NE 39th St.

A man was unloading his truck when a white car pulled up beside him. The driver rolled down his window and threw a brick at the rear window of the truck, causing the glass to break. He then laughed, rolled up his window, and drove off, honking his horn for good measure, and making a right turn. There wasn’t enough time for the victim to follow and return the brick.


He Wasn’t Fulfilling Her Needs

8100 Block of NE 3rd Place

This victim’s girlfriend called him and demanded he have sex with her, as it had apparently been a while. She also wanted him to watch her child so she could go to the club. He refused both demands. Upon driving home later in the day, there she was, in front of his home. She then began to feverishly punch her hand through a front window, causing it to shatter, while screaming loud enough to cause passerby to watch. She told the victim she did this because her demands weren’t met. She then left via taxi. No arrests yet, but that makeup sex is likely going to be hot.


Two If By Sea … Didn’t Work After All

1000 NE 84th St.

When this homeowner walked to his dock, he saw that his WaveRunner was not in its usual position and was halfway down the dock, with scratches all over it. It turns out two perps had guided their boat to the end of the dock and tried to pull the WaveRunner into their waiting water vehicle. This happened at the rear of the man’s home and he hadn’t heard a thing while the attempt occurred. Luckily for him, the WaveRunner was under lock and chain, so the thieves’ bodacious ground invasion wasn’t successful.


Left a Scatological Message

300 Block of NE 55th Street

Upon arrival at his apartment, renter found something was badly amiss. The paint to the front door was seemingly stripped, but the odor was even more powerful. He looked closer and was horrified by slimy and now-hardened feces painting the front of his door. Sadly, the color did not match the door, so no hiding this without a really good cleanup. Scatman also threw his feces on the welcome mat. No witnesses, but likely if there were, they’re keeping very quiet about this one.


Our Criminals Are Bad Ass…

200 Block of NE 78th Street

A homeowner hired someone to work on his house. When homeowner arrived, he saw his contractor, but there was someone else also present, standing on his property. When he was asked to leave, the man blithely walked to victim’s pickup truck and grabbed a shovel, then smashed the window. He walked away, and neither boss nor his contractor tried to stop him. He looked back, with a wry smile. He was just a bit too bad ass for the victims to risk intervening.


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