The Biscayne Times

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Aug 07th
Biscayne Crime Beat July PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
July 2020

policeman_stopHook, Line, and Stinker

700 Block of NE 79th Street

What could be more outdoor friendly than an afternoon spent on the water fishing? Just grab that rod and feel the balance. Cast it -- maybe it will go out 20 feet. Speaking of which, this victim was only about 20 feet away from his vehicle, with his attached boat. As he readied for his launch, which only took minutes, he reports that he returned to the car and found his four fishing poles stolen. Thief or thieves also tampered with his tackle box, going for that brightly lit lure. Yet there was no evidence of any human activity in the area! His stuff disappeared in the blink of a fisheye. Day canceled. Hey, Outdoors Man, you almost made it! But now it’s back to life under COVID.

 

All Brushed Up and No Place to Go

800 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

At this CVS, the cashiers were busy helping customers ring up their items when a man with a backpack walked in. If you’re over 30 and wearing a backpack in the fashion this man did, you’re definitely sending out strong signals. Like maybe you have trouble getting a date, or like maybe you use it as a prop in your life of crime. But at least Backpack Man didn’t go for the big-ticket items. He went for the toothpaste, and then for some toothbrushes. He put items in his bag and proceeded to walk out of the store, to the frustrated glare of the employees. There goes that raise, folks; theft losses have taken care of it.

 

Flash and You’ll Regret It

Biscayne Boulevard and 31st Street

Why does this keep happening? We guess we need more Biscayne Times readers, who may be the only Miamians hip to this basic anti-theft measure: Don’t flash valuables in your car and then walk away. It doesn’t matter that you locked the door, dummies. You might as well have left it wide open for all the good you did your Jimmy Choo purse, which now has a new and happy owner. This car window was shattered in thousands of pieces, which means there’s the added pain of insurance and repairs. Did we mention she’ll need replacement IDs and credit cards. Forget that cash, it’s gone forever, too. We hope that the overall feeling of violation passes. So, people, just stop being dumb. Or the consequences will end up in this column.

 

Wild & Crazy Crime Time

30 NE 11th St.

Club Space is a hot spot for many Miamians, including, sadly, some of the scumbags who thrive on crime. And if you wear a purse, it does not matter if it’s closed and on your shoulder. Just keep pounding down those Sex on the Beach cocktails, and feel fabulous. This woman had most of the items of her purse removed, including her cellphone and a wallet with cash and credit cards, and her driver’s license. No reports yet of any suspects, who would likely be hard to spot in the people crush.

 

Is There Dollar Store API?

500 Block of NE 81st Street

You might not think of dollar stores as prime hunting grounds for those who choose to engage in criminal activity. Yet aside from cheap toilet plungers and body spray, they also do stock beer. And lots of it! These two men grabbed six cases of beer and walked out of the store, even while telling personnel, “Yeah, I’m not hiding this!” They entered a car with a waiting driver, and off they went. The only thing we know is that it’s a Hyundai with a missing front hubcap. So likely even these poor, misunderstood vermin were themselves victims of a crime. But we’re sure the beer will soothe those emotional wounds.

 

How About an Assist and a Dunk?

5 NE 79th St.

Two men walked into the back entrance of an establishment -- sounds like the start to a bad joke, but this is just a sad one. That’s where the business kept a large cooler, and one intruder squatted on his knees. No this was not toilet time, but rather basic theft. While he remained kneeling, the other lowlife held the cooler door open with some sort of plastic instrument. Per the video, the kneeling scumbag leaned in and grabbed a case of beer, then handed it off to his partner. This happened quickly and efficiently. They then went back out through the door (terrible security mistake) and ran off southbound. No one was going to catch them, and police still haven’t. You have to admire the sharp teamwork, but we hazard a guess that those skills are not yet transferrable to civilized society

 

Puts a Damper on Moving to Miami

100 Block of S. Biscayne Boulevard 

This vacationer was in town from up North, checking things out with thoughts of moving permanently to the Sunshine State. After having the continental breakfast downstairs, he returned to his room and saw that something was greatly amiss. His suitcases were open and emptied of most of their contents. At least the suitcases were left behind. We’re unsure if he will ever make that move now, wondering if the lure of Miami paradise is fake news.

 

Cigarettes and Lottery Tickets: What More Do You Want?

2400 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

The front window of this business was shattered open when the perpetrator hurled a large rock through it. This perp made out well for his trouble, relatively speaking. He stole ten cartons of cigarettes, which is a big deal, frankly, and also not a heavy load to haul away. He also managed to take some cash from the register and grabbed a bunch of scratch-off tickets. We are unsure if he won on the scratch-offs, but he is prominently seen on the CCTV. Maybe the scratch-offs will pay for his bail one day.

 

Procrastination Has Its Consequences

2900 Block of NE 1st Avenue

You’ll get to things eventually, right? But not tonight. Just now, instead of playing security watchman, you want to watch to the new season of Stranger Things in the comfort of your little trailer, which means that very noticeable hole in the construction site fence will have to wait. No one is going to go by there anyway, right? Well, someone did. They looted the site, as seen by security cameras. Not only that, but they were so comfortable with their stealing skills, they actually came back later and took more items. Police, of course, have suggested that the security “guard” get the hole fixed. That includes the hole in his logic.

 

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