The Biscayne Times

Aug 03rd
Biscayne Crime Beat March PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
March 2020

policeman_stopThe Streets Are Not Your Storage Space

2200 NE 4th Ave.

So this man, for reasons that escape us -- maybe he didn’t want to crowd his living room -- left four rims and tires in his building’s parking garage. We suspect, in his assigned spot. Those automotive essentials were missing by the next morning. Police did file a report, but Crime Beat hasn’t much hope. As for the rest of the car? We’re not sure about that end of the story. In storage somewhere else? We know it’s not going anywhere until it makes a trip to Tires Plus.


That Is a Swing and a Lame Miss

6300 Block of NE 4th Court

You never know who’s going to be checking out your stuff. Your food stamps can be a hot commodity to someone with a lot less in these Keep America Great times. To wit: This business closed its doors and secured everything, including its ancient HP computers. Someone broke down the front door a bit later and went straight for those vintage electronics. But it was apparently a huge struggle, judging from the streaks of blood left on the keyboards. Too much of a struggle, since they were chained down. Burglars would be well advised to know that a decent-functioning laptop can be had for $150 on Amazon.


I Must Have This

600 block of NE 2nd Avenue

A construction site reported a robbery to police. The perp had gained access by jumping over the fence, which had a padlock. (This is why the Vlad the Impaler knows barbed-wire fencing is a good idea.) He made off with wires from a nearby crane. That’s all he took. Are they trending as a thing now?


Cheap Thrills

100 Block of NE 79th Street

Sometimes criminals are just jerks -- you know, like the kid who’ll steal your school bag just to spill out the contents down the stairwell. They aren’t interested in the theft; they just want to torment you. In this incident, a man was renovating his business inside and doing his current business outside in a food truck. Both his business and the food truck were broken into. The windows were shattered and slime slithered inside the truck. The punks didn’t take a thing.


Terrifying Sight on Biscayne Boulevard

Biscayne Boulevard and 69th Street

The manager of a retail construction site was leaving for the day when he heard an alarm go off. He raced back to check and saw a man carrying a chainsaw. He yelled to the man, who replied: “This is mine! I bought this!” He then ran down Biscayne Boulevard with the chainsaw, creating a terrifying scene for bystanders. Leatherface hits Miami! He eventually dumped the chainsaw behind one of the famous Boulevard motels. We wonder if this sordid tale is really finished.


More Lame Thievery

500 Block of NE 1st Avenue

Upon arrival at his office, a man noticed that the place was extra warm and musty. He walked over to the air conditioner, fiddled with the knobs, gave it a good wake-up bang in an effort to get it working, but no luck. He walked outside and found that all the wires to the unit had been cut off. Someone had come by to randomly cut the wires. People, you must secure everything here. No kidding.


That’s a Big Haul

100 Block of NE 42nd Street

A Buena Vista resident had secured his RV and then locked the driveway gate. But while this owner was then spending a relaxing night at home, “they” struck. First, they managed to tear the entire fence down -- no easy feat. They next broke into the RV, jump-started the engine, and drove it away. They’re likely living large at an RV park with a case of beer and a bale of weed. No leads. The RV doesn’t have a LoJack.


Maybe Weed Would Be Better for Him

Biscayne Boulevard and 17th Street

This victim admitted he had been extremely intoxicated on a legal yet dangerous drug (alcohol). He fell asleep on the sidewalk but was awakened when he felt a jolt to his body, then saw a man running away with his black Guess bag. He tried to put up a chase but lost the thief. However, he did run into that man at Publix the next day and demanded the return of his fashionable black bag. The scummy vagrant apologized and actually returned the bag. He then strangely jolted from sight by running off. The bag, alas, had been emptied of its contents. The good news? At least the guy had left his Camillus House ID in the bag. They are now investigating.


Pointless to Let Your Guard Down

2300 NW 2nd Ave.

It’s always great to eat at a restaurant and leave the cooking to others while you enjoy the views and the weather. This woman had a yearning for some tacos and bought them from an eatery. As she sat down, though, she suddenly felt lighter and was horrified to find that her wallet was missing from her right pocket. There was no one near her who could have taken it, and she could not have proved it anyway, with her back turned. The tacos will at least get her some weight back.


Take the Bus

29 NE 11th Street

When you slosh yourself near to death with booze, you become a target. Even with Uber, you have to be careful these days. So this person was lucky to get a good old-fashioned Yellow Cab. They’re trustworthy professionals, right? Not so, not so. The drunk fell asleep in the back of the cab and later found his cell phone was missing. He cannot recall the cab number. It’s all a big haze after too many Long Island iced teas. Yet another candidate, we fear, for good old AA.


Obey Those Signs

4800 Biscayne Blvd.

In Miami, we have Publix. So many of them, in fact, they seem to have a monopoly. So, people, don’t bite the hand that stocks your hot pockets. This man filled his handheld basket with items and then went to the bathroom. He came out with no basket and calmly made his way out the door. Everything was in his book bag, but he didn’t realize that there might be video of him. So facial recognition will prevent him from going to Publix for a while. Time to shop at your neighborhood 7-Eleven now.


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