The Biscayne Times

Apr 03rd
Biscayne Crime Beat January PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
January 2020

Maybe he saw the criminal’s version of the Bat Signal.

policeman_stopLotta Work for This Heist

30 NE 11th St.

A business was robbed and vandalized. The intruder made entry via the backdoor and managed to shimmy his way up by rope. Maybe he saw the criminal’s version of the Bat Signal. If he did, it was likely an image of a Heineken beer bottle, which we know is quite the enticing image. He stole 12 bottles of beer, à la carte, meaning he picked up seven different brands, then left for his rat cave. The owner has video of the deed and showed it to attending officers on his phone. It shows the offender placing the booze in a garbage can, then carrying off the can. Ingenious -- just like a shopping cart.


Punks in the Park

401 Biscayne Blvd.

This is such a great downtown park, a great place to bring the family and enjoy the outdoors with other like-minded people and celebrate the beauty of Miami. You’re usually not ducking bullets from rival drug gangs here. But don’t relax too much, as this group did. They brought their beverage cooler, and for whatever reason, they placed their phones on top of the lid. While they were enjoying the day, their phones disappeared somewhere in the sea of several hundred suspects. Like-minded people, not. More like Miami criminals.


A Hit to the Punk Scene

200 NE 2nd Ave.

Miami is a transient place, with ever-changing scenes, new blood, new ideas. If there’s a constant, what might that be? Oh, yes, the reason for this column. So here’s a story about rockers and missing equipment. The owner of this business found a box broken open, and when he looked inside, he saw that it had been emptied, even though it should have contained a drum cymbal. The person who was victimized is the only one who holds a key to the box, which makes this bit of thievery very perplexing. The police gave out a case card, but we bet that the cymbal will be AWOL forever, another casualty of crime in paradise.


There’s a Reason the Cops Are Late

7900 NE 4th Ave.

This man was horrified to see that his blessed mother Mary business broken into. There was structural damage, as the perpetrator had tried to burn the place down and made large dents in the walls with what looked like a sledgehammer. It was an act of incredible property violence that will take time and much money to fix. The report acknowledges that it took the police officers two hours to respond. The owner was not happy to contemplate that a sledgehammer could have been used on his head while the officers were at Dunkin. The truth is, cops respond to active crimes and Department of Children and Families cases first and foremost, and that was their reason for a slower response here.


Backyard Break-In, Pavement Pillow

2500 Block of N. Miami Avenue

This man decided to sleep in his guesthouse, making himself the guest. Why not? He’s earned it, sleeping out back behind his pool surrounded by beautiful mango trees. But his peace came to an abrupt end when he heard sounds coming from the front of his guesthouse. He saw a figure who had taken his large towel rack and was slamming it into his windows in an attempt to break them. He was making moaning sounds as he did it. The owner panicked and got a firearm. What startled him was this intruder deciding to go to bed on this patio, using the pavement as his pillow. This freaked out the owner, who got on his bike and booked out of there. No arrests and no forced entry, either.


Night of the Damned

6400 NE 2nd Ave.

During the night, a closed church (not only closed but locked down) was attacked. A lowly heathen infidel entered the premises and began to steal from the house of God. He started with a laptop worth about $450. But that was not enough for this sickly culprit, who next went for a Korg keyboard valued at $1500. So that means no hymns this week. He finished up with looting the donation box. He had apparently entered via a window unit AC, a common entry for scumbag vermin. No arrests have been made, but it will be a cappella this Sunday. That might be a blast, actually, so come early.


His Loot Is Laundry

1600 Block N. Bayshore Drive

One of our fine bus drivers had to pull his monstrosity over to the side of the road due to mechanical issues. He called for service and waited in his seat with his tote bag, filled with personal items, at his side. The door was open, so of course, one of Miami’s exemplars had to make a childish and devilish move. He reached in and grabbed the bag, and when the bus driver pulled it back, the miscreant brandished a knife and waved it in the driver’s face. All this over a bag of dirty clothes. No words were exchanged, and the thief turned and ran off with the driver’s underwear to parts unknown. That guy should never get near a city bus again.


Uber Biker Takes a Hit

3600 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

When the Uber drivers are not sexually assaulting or robbing their passengers (okay, we exaggerate some), they themselves can become victims of the great Miami crime wave. This driver was an Uber delivery employee (an independent contractor, actually, as Uber doesn’t do benefits), and he parked his ATX bike in front of Denny’s for what he said was ten seconds. He did not lock it up. But those ten seconds provided a perfect window for opportunistic sleazebags. A couple or witnesses saw Mr. Sleazy jump on the bike and ride off. The victim told police there was a Mickey Mouse water bottle on the handlebars. So, Miami citizenry, please look out for that, and of course, chain it up. This is Dodge City, as you should know by now.


We Know That Bump

401 Biscayne Blvd.

Bumping on the dance floor used to be a thing, you know. People would mosh and hit each other, all in the name of good drunken fun. This woman told police she moved here to have a good time. After all, is that not what we’re supposed to do in Miami, at least according to everyone who doesn’t live here? Well, she danced away but got bumped. She thought nothing of it at the time, yet this was not a punk band mosh pit. Not this crowd. They were a bit more decent. A decent person had taken her phone while she was bumped. In the blink of an eye. Her good time became an instant downer as the post-alcohol nausea crept in.

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