The Biscayne Times

Feb 22nd
Biscayne Crime Beat December PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
December 2017


Morning Routine Now Flushed

policeman_stop1700 Block of N. Bayshore Drive

This tenant relies on his trusty valets to get his motorcycle warmed up and ready to go every morning so he can take off for work at 7:00 a.m., right after his morning Keurig. Taking note of routines such as this, of course, is part of the requisite job skills for our criminal brethren. A man waiting in the private valet parking area (suspicious, much?) saw the bike with its keys in the ignition and promptly hitched his own ride. Police responded and took the victim’s information. No leads, so back to the Keurig.


Non-Smoker’s Hell

300 Block of NE 1st Avenue

At a hotel bar, a guest invited two men up to his hotel room for more drinks. He felt bonded enough with them to do so, but once they got inside, the two men wanted to smoke. Our victim-to-be told them not to because they’d set off the fire alarm sprinkler system. The two smokers argued with him until finally, in a fit of anger, one held a lighter right up to the smoke alarm and, yes, set off the sprinklers. They left, but police stopped them downstairs. However, with no witnesses being present to verify either story, they made no arrests. We suggest keeping a jar of nicotine gum to address situations like this.


Red Shoes Thattaway!

Biscayne Boulevard and 79th Street

A panicked bus driver raced in the direction of a police car, waving his hands and shouting for help. “A white guy with red shoes just shattered the window of my bus!” he hollered. “He went thataway!” The police walked in the direction of the man’s pointed finger and found the red-shoed vandal hiding in the bushes. He was arrested at the scene.


It Really Does a Body Good

200 Block of NE 71st Street

It has been a while, but the bandits have struck again. An unsecured milk crate sitting idly behind a large fence caught their attention. These calcium-deficient men coordinated their score, with one climbing the fence and handing the crate to the other man before they made their escape. A case card was given, and our victim listed the milk items on the inventory sheet. Hopefully, the milk will be returned before its expiration date.


The Kitchen Sink Was Too Heavy

800 NE 83rd St.

This guy left a bunch of personal belongings out on his kitchen counter: his wallet, keys, phone, and some hygiene items from the local Walgreens. He took a nap in the bedroom, and when he awoke hours later, the items were all gone. Nothing else was taken, and the dirty dishes were left untouched. There was no sign of forced entry; just a perp who made himself at home but neglected to help out with the chores.


The Human Worm Strikes

3200 Block of N. Miami Avenue

Upon arrival at work, this manager found debris in the middle of the dining room. Someone had crawled through the ventilation system and entered, just like a B horror film. The intruder caused a total mess, and damaged the cash registers, though there was no money loss, as he could not figure that part out. He did manage the destruction of the video surveillance system. He exited through the back door, failing to get any loot but sliming the place with his incompetence.


Protect the Racket

400 Block of SE 2nd Avenue

A cab driver dropped off two passengers at a hotel and as he sat and waited to collect his fare, both jumped out and ran inside the hotel, taking the elevator upstairs (and likely giving the chasing cabbie the finger). Hotel personnel stopped the driver and told him he could go no further. The guests must be protected, nor could they disclose the guests’ identity, the cabbie was told. Guests come first, even if they’re lawbreakers. The driver filed a police report. Hey, deadbeats, do your thing, and just make it past the demilitarized zone. The room rates are so worth it, it balances out.


Barefoot and Hung Over

N. Miami Avenue and NE 10th Street

A drunken man left a club and walked to parts unknown. When amateurs drink too much, they’re open season, right? All he remembers was that a man seemed to be following him, with heavy footsteps. Victim woke up, hours later, lying on the sidewalk. Passers-by likely found this a normal part of Miami nightlife. However, he found his pockets empty, and to add a strange twist, his shoes and socks were gone. All we’re left with is a mystery theft coming from a possible foot fetisher who is apparently into ripping off sleeping drunks.


Not Hung Over, Just an Idiot

1745 N. Bayshore Dr.

This is not the country, but some people must wish it were. Taking a nap in the middle of nowhere likely sets you up for a bear attack, or perhaps Walking Dead zombies, but in Miami, there’s another type of horror. Our victim was taking a leisurely nap next to a dog park and tennis courts when a thief reached into his pockets and also removed the book bag that Sleeping Dummy was using as a pillow. This sudden jolt woke him up and he saw the laughing thief above him. The opportunist got on a bike and laughed his way down the street.


Pathetic Punk Is a Real Drag

Biscayne Boulevard and 87th Street

Sometimes one knows when she’s being set up, but she’s powerless to stop it. A man asked to use a woman’s cell phone, which is merely a way to size up a victim’s kindness. As this occurred, the man, who was thin, had artist glasses, and dressed well in cream-colored fashion, grabbed the woman’s purse. To our victim’s credit, she held on as the culprit pulled and pulled, and dragged her out into the street, stopping cars as our brave victim finally fell to the ground. This awful crook got away; hopefully someone will take his purse the same way.


Our Cops Are Really Bad Ass

100 NE 2nd Ave.

A fight ensued in front of a hotel, where a victim was being pushed and grabbed by a familiar vagrant who was clearly intoxicated. A security guard ran toward them and told the attacker to stop. The vagrant refused and kept at it, finally pulling out a knife, to which the security guard screamed, “I’m calling the police!” This threat stopped the attack cold, despite the weapon advantage. Vagrant ran off, as who wants to mess with the MPD? Maybe the rest of us can practice this line moving forward.

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