The Biscayne Times

Jul 18th
Biscayne Crime Beat May PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
May 2017

policeman_stopThis Is One Scummy Diversion

400 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

Few things are more pathetic than cell phone theft. Based on prior reports, the victims mostly make it easy, but sometimes the thieves employ really low-life methods, to wit: A father was feeding his infant daughter, and for whatever reason, this made him a target. While feeding her, Dad heard a guttural scream behind him, so he turned around to see Suspect No. 1, while Suspect No. 2 grabbed his phone off the table and made his way out with the screaming menace. This happened so quickly, Dad did not see it in time. No arrests have been made.


Be Nice to Nicotine Addicts? No Good!

200 Block of NE 26th Terrace

As we discovered, there are other ways to create a diversion. Just let your victim treat you as an equal part of humanity: Trust, and no need to verify. This victim and his girlfriend were smoking cigarettes outside their home, with the gate open (a true “welcome” sign to Miami’s sleaze division) when a car stopped and two people walked out, with one asking for a cigarette. As victim’s girlfriend used the bathroom, the victim chatted with his two smoking buddies. Apparently feeling at ease, he put his clumsy smart phone down and looked away, what we call classic victim behavior. As he looked back, the suspect was seen running to the car with a bulky object in his hand. His phone was now gone.


Zen Thievery

NE 72nd Street and Biscayne Boulevard

When exiting the diner, a couple found that the rear passenger window of their car had been smashed. A purse, in plain view (incredibly), was stolen, of course. For good measure, a yoga mat was also taken, leading one to believe this thief may be having his own inner conflict, though his or her future retail therapy will surely alleviate that fight. ID was requested and notified, but the officer on duty was told they no longer process burglary to motor vehicles unless it meets certain criteria. This one apparently did not. Hide your purses, please. Yoga will not reverse stupidity.


Nerdy Thief Has Marvelous Skills

400 Block of Biscayne Blvd.

Superheroes are mainstreaming entertainment these days and are no longer the closet passion of basement-dwelling dorks. Wear that geeky gear with pride. A man was seen suspiciously pacing the hallways of a shop that carried an abundance of Marvel merchandise. At one point, he made his supervillain move, grabbed eight Spiderman backpacks, and ran out of the store. No way to catch this guy, as he disappeared as quickly as he’d arrived.


That Tip Jar Is Sacred Ground

5128 Biscayne Blvd.

Got to love the MiMo Dunkin’ Donuts; it opened during the hurricanes in 2005, and had power, satisfying the caffeine-addicted community. So when this place falls victim, it affects all of us. The perp asked for a glass of water, and the kindly clerk went to get him one, only to see the ingrate steal a tip jar with $6.37 in its contents, as well as six packs of hazelnut coffee worth $8.99 each. As he made his way out, police were contacted and set up a BOLO alert (“be on the lookout,” for you civilians). They found their man, with exactly that amount in his pocket, as well as the coffee. It was all returned to the store, though we hope the coffee packs weren’t compromised. But, hey, you can toss the Hazelnut anyway.


Yet More Sleazy Theft

200 Block of NE 2nd Street

So what could be worse than stealing a tip jar? That would be stealing the donations jar earmarked for suffering children, animals, refugees, victims, etc. When the clerk asks you if you want to donate that 0.37 cents left over from your pack of Marlboro Lights to benefit that person in the grainy black-and-white picture, you might just say yes. One patron took it further; he jumped the counter at 7-Eleven, not content to give away his change. He then stole the jar and ran out with all that clinking metal. There’s video of the incident, though police must wait for it to be accessed.


This Thief Needs a Better System

1700 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

If you’re going to steal from Publix, you’d best be on your A game, as a police officer is usually assigned there, mainly as a preventative measure. This person blithely grabbed stoner items: whole milk, Marshmallow Pebbles cereal, Pretzel Bites, and Nesquik chocolate syrup. Now that’s some good munchies material one could enjoy while watching The Walking Dead. He was stopped without incident as he tried to make his exit, as if no one would notice his little heist. The total loot was $13.13, which pales in comparison to the bail money he’ll need to get out of county jail.


Who Needs Gold Anymore?

400 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

With our fiat currency and unpredictable stock market, some antsy folks like to stock up on investment-friendly commodities, ensuring they can care for their family just in case of another recession. At Victoria’s Secret, one such man entered the store discretely, dressed in blue jeans and white T-shirt, carrying an eco-friendly black bag. He methodically placed 90 bras in the black bag, at a retail value of $5065. That is $56.28 per bra, not counting tax, or $28.14 per cup. He made no attempt to pay, as he talked on his cell phone, likely to his lingerie ring accomplice. Door alarm did go off, but the man was never caught, likely to reappear on a Craig’s List “for sale” post soon. Or maybe he is just a pervy collector?


Not There Yet, Dude…

NE 2nd Avenue and NE 57th Street

Despite medical marijuana being voted on by the people, and the more progressive political machine of South Florida, you must puff the Magic Dragon in privacy. Two men were obstructing the sidewalk -- though the police report didn’t elaborate how they were doing so, save for the fact they were wasted, sitting on the ground. The officer had seen them while on routine patrol, stopped his car and got out, and then smelled a rather strong odor of marijuana. He asked one man if he was smoking, to which the man replied, “I just got one bag,” which he dropped on the ground. Two more baggies were found in his pocket. Defendant was arrested, and the sidewalk went back to being unobstructed.


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