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Apr 26th
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Written by Stuart Sheldon, BT Contributor   
April 2017

Want the best pickup lines ever?

“HPix_FamilyMatters_4-17i. My friend over there is shy, and he was wondering if you think I’m cute.”

As a local who grew up failing miserably in Miami’s hideous cat-and-mouse bar scene, I would have given anything for an opening like that. Instead, I generally stumbled to approach a beautiful woman and kick-start a conversation. Usually it went something like this:

Me: “Hi, how’s it going?”

Beauty: “Who wants to know?”

Me: “Seriously?”

She walks off.

To add insult to injury, my roommate was a bartender. So not only did I not meet anyone, but I had the privilege of listening to him in the next room with whatever runway model had picked him up that night.

Notwithstanding today’s dating sites, when it comes to meeting someone, there’s no substitute for plain old conversation and chemistry. Apparently, I was missing some important chemicals.

I’m here to save you from my pain. So that you never stand in a velvet rope line for an hour, then pay absurd money to enter purgatory, wherein you will be humiliated and rejected repeatedly before driving home in inexplicable late-night traffic and detouring for food at 4:00 a.m. to talk with your pals about all the women you collectively did not meet.

Fellas of all ages, the answers to your prayers are here. No more worrying about what to say to that certain someone you’ve been eyeballing all night across the room. No more fumbling. No, sir, those dark days are now over. Allow me to present to you the ultimate list of Miami nightlife pickup lines.

The next time you see that vision of loveliness standing alone beside the bar, and you get butterflies wondering what on earth you can say that will instantly break the ice and win her -- well, just take one of these puppies out for a test drive.

Imagine yourself striding up nonchalantly, your breath Altoid fresh, as you say, “I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?” Bam!

Or you’ve been waiting for the bartender to notice you for ten minutes, when this glorious redhead bellies up next to you. You turn, flash your pearly whites, and hit her with: “My buddies bet me that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?” What!!!

This stuff is bulletproof. If only I had known these sure things from the ages of 18 to 25, I would have eaten a lot less 5:00 a.m. pizza at Casolas.

Maybe you want to keep it simple and street: “You’re hotter than doughnut grease.” Feel that burn?

It doesn’t even matter if she’s married. Just roll up all swaggery and hit her with: “Hello, are you married? [Yes] Well, I didn’t hear you say ‘happily.’” Snap! What husband?

Being a writer, one of my go-to lines would definitely be: “Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call Fine Print!

My dear readers, whether man or woman, I think you’re equally digging what I am laying down here. Words do matter, and the awesome power within these select phrases is self-evident.

Next time you pile out of the Uber at Wood, Sugarcane, Bar Meli, Eleven, the Anderson, Liv, the Corner Bar, anywhere that’s happening, bust out any of the following:

• If I received a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

• Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

• I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.

• I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart.

• You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

• Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?

• Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

• If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

• Nice to meet you, I’m [your name] and you are...gorgeous!

• I’m sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.

• On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 9. I’m the 1 you need.

• [Point at her butt] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

So my lovelies, you now hold the after-hour keys to the Magic City, when the heat is on and you’re smelling your best. Get out there and rule the night. And when you’re walking out of the club, arm in arm with your new Bestie With Benefits, remember where you heard it. I hope you had a lovely April Fool’s Day!

 

Stuart Sheldon is an artist, author, and Miami native. Follow him on Facebook and Instagram at @tuart_sheldon and subscribe to his Fancy Nasty blog at stuartsheldon.com.

 

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