The Biscayne Times

May 23rd
Biscayne Crime Beat January PDF Print E-mail
Written by Derek McCann, BT Contributor   
January 2017

policeman_stopNot Your Bona Fide Boss

600 Block of NE 64th Street

After finding an online job that allowed him to work remotely and earn some money, our victim was paid with several checks. He deposited the checks in his bank and withdrew some cash, even paying some bills. Sadly, those checks were glorified Post-Its, which should have had the words “beware, sucker” printed as the company name. His temporary employer did get free work out of our victim, who was rewarded with a negative balance, creditor harassment, and this Biscayne Crime Beat blurb as a keepsake.


Rude Wake-Up Call

400 Block of NE 69th Street

While sleeping in his bedroom, our victim was awakened by feverish banging on his front door. Before he could get out of bed, the banging shifted to his bedroom window. As he looked out the window to confront the noise-maker, the culprit punched in the screen, in turn, cracking the victim’s window. He then ran off. There’s no video of the incident.


Uber Gloom

NE 17 Street and N. Bayshore Drive

Feel like making some Uber cash? This driver didn’t like the way his passenger was behaving and asked him to stop acting so childishly or to get out. The passenger promised to behave better, so our Uber driver gave him a second chance. But the verbal abuse continued. The driver finally had enough, pulled over, and ordered the man to get out of the car. He refused, so the driver tried to call the police. The suspect managed to pull the keys from the ignition and run off, but not before keying the car in two places. The vandal has not been arrested at press time, but the keys were found in some nearby bushes.


Priscilla, Queen of the Gap

401 Biscayne Blvd.

It was the holiday season and people were shopping, revving up our local economy. One woman was pulling all sorts of items off the shelves, and when she went to pay, her total loot was $4236. This was at the Gap, and could be some sort of record for a one-time discount clothing purchase. She paid with a credit card and all attempts to verify her identity passed. Her plastic card name read Priscilla, but sadly for the Gap (and the real Priscilla), the charges were later reversed. The real McCoy called her credit card company to complain, after getting notice. At least there is video of the heist.


No Couples Therapy

5440 block of N. Miami Avenue

This woman had broken up with her boyfriend and asked him to vacate the premises. He did, but called her three days later for permission to use her shower and get his belongings. She told him to wait 15 minutes after he texted her, but it was 15 minutes too long. He punched out the bedroom window instead. He then did the same with the kitchen window and the bathroom. The couple broke up over “baby mama” issues. The victim did defend him later and told the police that he didn’t make any threats to her. We gather the bar is set rather high on such threats, and that punching out windows is just for starters.


Paintball Punks

8400 Block of NE Miami Court

A woman observed about six men in paintball gear hovering around the parking lot of her apartment complex. She didn’t think much of it and went home. Maybe the paintball folk were on their way to a convention or just modeling their new gear? The next day, the woman, on her way to church, found her car, and that of her boyfriend, covered with paint, consistent with the paint of a paintball gun. Our victim’s car was likely the climactic last game level, due to the copious amount of colors ever so artfully placed.


All in a Day’s Work

NE 2nd Avenue and NE 79th Street

We’re grateful to our bus drivers for riding those same daily routes, assisting in the reduction of congestion while giving us transportation options. This driver made a stop to pick up a passenger. She waited for him to get on the bus, but he just continued to stare off into space. Realizing he wasn’t boarding, she closed the doors, only to have the zombie man awake. He screamed, “Bitch!” For good measure, he shattered the side entrance window as our brave public servant made her way off to serve her remaining passengers without a hitch.


Vending Machine Party Fare

600 Block of NE 87th Street

Some of us have high-profile jobs, where we need some level of protection. From the oil baron to the tech CEO to the…guy who fills the vending machines. Someone was casing our victim big time. Just after he loaded his truck with the necessary items, he was hit. They took the whole vehicle to the tune of 50 cases of soda, 20 boxes of chips, another 20 boxes of candy, and other assorted vending machine fare. Case sheet was given to the victim to list his losses. It looks like this thief will have his New Year’s Day Bowl party paid for and delivered.


Motel Hijinks

7700 Block of Biscayne Boulevard

A man flagged down a police officer to say he’d hired a prostitute and had sexual relations with her. No, this was no mea culpa on his part and there was no arrest. He wanted to let them know that he took her to Motel Blu in his 2016 white Toyota Corolla. He was trying to class it up so he spent the night with her and offered to get her food in the morning. The classy John walked to Wendy’s across the street and returned to find no car in the parking lot. His faux date was still present, but she left after he used the bathroom, without a notice or even a thank you. No leads here, just the usual greasy burgers at a Boulevard motel.


Wearable Weed

NE 3rd Avenue and NE 54th Street

Police received a report of a female in a pink dress being beaten by a male with a red shirt and gray shorts in a gray BMW. When they responded and found the suspected car, a strong stench of marijuana emanated from it. The male admitted to the argument, and during a pat-down, a cylinder of pot was found on him, to which he responded, “Sh**, I forgot that was there.” After being arrested and taken to the county jail, he admitted to having more in his underwear, then reached inside and kindly handed off the baggie to the jail attendant.


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