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The Darndest Things PDF Print E-mail
Written by Crystal Brewe -- BT Contributor   
July 2013

A small sample wit and wisdom from the wee ones

SPix_Kids_7-13ometimes you’ve gotta just sit back and recall some of the tears-rolling-down-your-face-you’re-laughing-so-hard moments of parenthood.

Our nearly nine-year old, Matilda, has had some real zingers over the years, and it’s easy to forget that our four-year-old, Everly, has only been on this planet for 48 months with her wit. Their spin on things is the single most entertaining and rewarding part of this parenting job.

With that in mind, I thought I’d take a break from my regular format of shifting readers’ perceptions and bringing monumental inspiration to present a list of funny things our kids have said in our short time as parents. (I am limited in length, people.) Enjoy.

Everly, upon realizing our mode of transportation was not what she had in mind: “I don’t want to take an airplane. I want to take a vacation!”

Or how about: “Mommy, remember that meatloaf you made that made me throw up on the floor?”

When I had heartburn, Everly put her hand on her heart and said, “Ouch, Mommy. At school, Joshua got a rug burn.”

At my cousin’s wedding (as the bride was walking down the aisle) then two-year-old Matilda yelled, “Daddy, who are you marrying today?”

After a particularly fun night on the town without the children, we awoke to Everly standing over my husband saying, “Daddy, your breath tastes like Grandpa.”

Then there are these off-the-cuff remarks:

“I don’t want to eat my dinner -- I just want to eat my boogers!”

“I don’t want anything wet to drink.”

“Mommy, remember that yummy breakfast you made for Mother’s Day?”

Everly, on just about everything: “I don’t want to be affiliated with this!”

“Mommy, it’s okay if you pee in the pool.”

“I hate that shirt -- it has arm holes!”

“Daddy, why did you just eat that jelly bean off the floor?”

“Mommy, why is Grandpa so crazy?”

“Mom, jumping on the bed isn’t fun anymore. I’m bored.”

“The inside of my mouth is wet!”

“I don’t like buttons because they smell like your breath in the morning.”

Matilda wrote on her shirt with a Sharpie: “I may be a girl, but I’m still dangerous!”

Matilda wrote on her dad’s shirt with a Sharpie: “I’m not shy, I just don’t like you.”

Everly, after we lost our dear family dog and, shortly thereafter, our neighbor’s bird (that we were pet-sitting): “What is dead?”

Note to Tooth Fairy: “Dear Tooth Fairy, kindly pay me in books not cash.”

Matilda, picking a tomato out of the garden: “Look at this tomato, it is perfectly the size of a chipmunk’s skull!” Then she happily bit into it.

On vocabulary homework that involved writing a sentence using the word shop: “Me and dad shop for toilets because we always clog ours.”

Me: “Everly, you can’t put ketchup on peanut butter and jelly.” Response: “Oh, on the plate then?”

After the 27th “tardy,” hubby tells Matilda: “I feel really bad about how often you’re late to school, but you’re usually reading the whole time.” Matilda, looking up from her book: “What does reading have to do with school?”

Guess who about guess who: “I wanted a sister, not a baby!”

In a dressing room at Macy’s: “Mommy, will my boobs hang down so low like that, too?”

Matilda, to perpetual bachelor uncle while he babysat: “What are you making us for dinner? Mustard packets?”

Everly, to same uncle upon seeing the messy state of his bedroom: “You need to rake your room!”

Matilda, upon hearing on the radio one of the songs I told her I “made up”: “Mom, I can’t believe you got them to play your song!”

Everly to Grandpa, who had just passed gas: “Bless you, Grandpa! That was a big one!”

Matilda on discovering YouTube: “I love cat videos. I could just sit and watch them all day!” (Uh-oh.)

Everly, upon having an accident in her pants: “I was having too much fun to stop…. I played Fun Factor and I lost!”

Upon seeing a group of Hasidic Jews as we crossed the MacArthur Causeway, Matilda, who had attended a Jewish daycare for three years, rolled down the window and yelled, “Look! My people!”

Matilda outing us to some neighbors: “Mommy and Daddy gave up on cloth diapers because it stressed them out.”

During the potty-training ordeal, Everly accompanied me to a very busy public restroom. When I was finished, a very impressed Everly loudly applauded and exclaimed, “Good job peeing in the potty, Mommy!”

And then there are the random daily exchanges:

“Mommy, where’s Daddy?”

“He’s out of town on business”

“Wow, Daddy goes to business on vacation a lot!”

Send me your funny kid quotes for inclusion in the next installment.

 

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