|Biscayne Crime Beat (July)|
Compiled by Derek McCann
Miami, We Have a Problem6995 Biscayne Blvd.
With a name like the Saturn Motel, one would assume an advanced system of service and security. Let’s look to the future! Well, the future in Miami is apparently a lot like the present. A customer rented a room and decided to leave the door ajar as he checked out. After all, why bother to close it? “Not my responsibility.” Within the hour (surprised it took that long), one of our Boulevard opportunists stole a 32-inch flat-screen television out of the room. No witnesses and no video at this galactic outpost.
Another Case for the Virtual Office3500 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
You think you’re safe at work? It is not only Dodge City in the streets, but maybe within the confines of your cubicle farm. You want to use the restroom? You better bring your valuables. This office worker went to the company restroom, only to find his cell phone missing upon returning to his desk. There were no witnesses. Was it the new guy with the piercings and tattoos, or the cranky old receptionist with the personal vendetta? The victim could stake out the water cooler, try to pump some of his office mates for information, but that would require leaving his desk, and we know how that turned out the last time.
Next Game: Pants Versus Skins700 Block of NE 55th Terrace
With the Miami Heat repeating, we are a proud city. Everyone wants a piece of the action. A basketball enthusiast decided to play b-ball with some buddies. According to the police report, he stripped off his pants and left them on the side of the court. After a round of play, he discovered his pants were missing and, with them, his wallet. Guess the sight of a sweaty man walking the streets in his underwear has become pretty common in Miami, because no one called in to report seeing him on his way home. Friends, don’t take your pants off in public, for any reason, ever.
Banks Are For Losers100 Block of NE 14th Street
Most people keep their money in a bank. This victim chose another option: keeping $500 tucked under his computer keyboard. Of course it went missing, so he called police. While we are grateful for the tech geeks of the world, it is obvious their level of social functioning leaves much to be desired. First he accused the maintenance man, then took it back. Then he accused a visitor, and took that back. There are no leads at press time. Maybe in the future he can hide his savings under his Star Trek memorabilia. Assuming he keeps his collection in the bedroom, this will, at the very least, guarantee that no female thief will ever come across his money.
Deep Pockets4600 Block of NE 2nd Avenue
At this gas station convenience store, a man calmly walked to the refrigerated case in the back and began grabbing beers. He managed to pull seven beers from the case and put all seven in his pockets. Most people can barely fit their wallet and a pack of cigarettes in their pants, so this guy had on some special jeans. He walked past the register and left the store. No arrest at press time, but if you see someone with very wide, bumpy hips, you may want to phone in a tip. Either that, or find out what brand of pants the guy wears, as those are some serious work duds.
A Buck Can’t Buy You LuckNE 11th Street and N. Miami Avenue
Many of us know the feeling of being down to our last dollar. It has happened to the best of us in these challenging times. This man is a bit different. Police stopped him because he was walking in an area known for narcotics crime. When approached, the man told officers: “I only have a dollar; they would not sell me anything.” Police searched his pockets and found a bag of weed and the obligatory vial of crack cocaine. Guess the drug dealers gave him back some change. The man was promptly arrested. We’re guessing bail starts somewhere north a buck.
Would-be iPod Thief Called for Technical Foul800 Block of NE 132nd Street
The victim was playing basketball with his friends -- it really has become the new national pastime -- when three young men approached. They asked to play. Maybe this works in movies like White Men Can’t Jump, but in Miami? Not so much. After several minutes of play, the mood must have soured as the victim and his friends called it a day. As they were leaving, one of the invited players showed his appreciation by punching the victim in the face. Then he and his two friends tried to take the victim’s backpack, which contained an iPod. The victim ran into a nearby store, followed by the three thugs. Eventually they ran off and the victim got to keep his backpack.
Nothing Strange About That1500 Block of NE 127th Street
This poor man came home and found several items missing, including his videogame system and two flat-screen televisions (one of them a 70-inch). For good measure, the crooks raided his liquor cabinet. At this secure building -- which has recently been repainted beige, but still looks like a jail -- there were no witnesses. Because two men (it would have taken two) running from the scene of a crime, carrying a 70-inch flat-screen TV is an otherwise unremarkable sight in North Miami.
Cindy Crawford Strikes Again13600 Block of NE 12th Avenue
We already know North Miami is a land of misfits (this writer is a proud resident), and this means bizarre items are usually taken in burglaries. A mystery subject vandalized a stereo, but did not steal it. We guess he wanted a Bose and was not happy when he found a Kenford. Nevertheless, items missing from the scene included a peach-colored, plastic bottle of lotion, a gold perfume box, and a brown jewelry box containing cheap costume jewelry. The lotion must have been the main target, as we know how dry skin can bother a criminal. Please keep your daily facial treatment under lock and key.
Cooking Up a Crime6700 Block of NE 1st Court
Eviction is a horrific process; no one enjoys it. Some people, though, try to make the best of it. Take this family. After being evicted from their residence, in full view of security cameras -- not to mention the neighbors -- they decided they were entitled to their old stove. The security cameras caught the father and son bringing the stove down the stairs. Warrants are out for their arrest. Crime Beat readers will recall incidents of toilets being stolen under similar circumstances. If this kind of thing continues, in the future Miami landlords may eliminate appliances and fixtures altogether.
Volume 14, Issue 7, September 2016
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