|Biscayne Crime Beat (June)|
Compiled by Derek McCann
600 Block of NE 81st Street
Securing one’s residence may mean different things to different people. It is all a matter of interpretation. This homeowner told police his home had been “secured,” but that he had left the windows open. He can’t be that naive, can he? Sure enough, a member of Miami’s slime community removed a window screen, entered the home, and did his criminal deeds. We implore residents of Miami to lock their windows. It will keep burglars and that humid air out and, most important, you will avoid being the subject of snarky Crime Beat blurbs.
300 Block of NE 75th Street
Criminals love to take what belongs to other people. It’s just what they do. In this instance, they took a television. Actually, they took 25 of them. Imagine that. They stole 25 televisions without anyone noticing. That seems about right. They also stole 30 boxes of packing tape. So we guess they are shipping early Christmas presents to their loved ones around the world, while selling the extra packing tape on the black market. They should get about two dollars per box. That should pay for approximately 30 crack pipes. Then they can ship those, too, with plenty of tape to spare.
400 Block of NE 35th Street
In the mood for a morning quickie, a sexually starved man, looking for another sexually starved man, found him on a Website. This is a testament to the modern age, where one no longer has to frequent bars (or bookstores) to meet a mate. The man came over, and the two proceeded to enjoy each other’s company. Later, as the smitten victim was prepping breakfast, his guest helped himself to the house keys on the kitchen table. He later returned with an accomplice and burglarized the home. He did have the courtesy to lock the door on his way out, though. And at least there was no ice pick.
200 Block of NE 57th Street
Man returned home and found his home ransacked. Hours before, he had left the house thoroughly clean and presentable. Somehow that must have stirred up some bad scumbag karma. He found the front door open, items missing (including food from his refrigerator), and fresh blood. Lots of blood. Splattered throughout the house. What went on there is a mystery, but cleaning out a refrigerator and ransacking a house while bleeding profusely demonstrates that our criminals will stop at nothing to satiate themselves.
900 Block of NE 81st Street
God bless those living in this turbulent city who want to help the next guy. In this scenario, a man knocked on a door, asking for a soda and for use of the bathroom. Victim let him in. On the way out, the culprit, soda in hand, punched the victim in the face, grabbed his wallet and cell phone, and fled the scene. The victim stood there in disbelief at the harsh repercussions of providing hospitality in Miami. We think he has adjusted and is probably cutting people off in traffic as you read this.
100 Block of NE 57th Street
Once someone has been in the mob for a bit, they acquire a street name. We have had Sammy the Bull, Jimmy the Gent, and now, in this city, we have… Well, his name is Pee. Not a mobster, but nevertheless well known in this neighborhood, Pee went into an apartment and stole the contents of a purse, which included $625 and a food stamp card. We’re not sure how he got his nickname, but this waste product will soon be using the toilet at the county jail.
7500 NE 1st Ave.
Comcast strives to be the “Future of Awesome.” Maybe they are, but one victim isn’t so sure. A man in a van displaying the Comcast logo approached this victim and offered him an assortment of cable and Internet services. All it would cost was $220 to set up. Cash only. The Comcast employee (who, it turns out, was not a Comcast employee) took the money and said he would return to set up the services. He never did. When the victim phoned him, he hung up. A call by the victim to Comcast indicated there was no order in the system. A deal that’s too good to be true? A tech who keeps you waiting for hours? Unresponsive customer service? Wait… Are we sure this was a crime and not just business as usual at Comcast?
12995 Biscayne Blvd.
Are you sick of high gas prices? Well, so are we. But that’s not the worst thing that can happen to you at the pump. While a woman pumped gas at this North Miami gas station, a man opened her passenger side door and took her purse, getting away before anyone could get a good look at him. People, you need to keep your doors locked at all times. Your car doors. Your fence doors. Your house doors. Albums by the Doors. This is Miami. Our criminals are always watching us.
12855 NE 6th Ave.
Publix supermarkets are known for being safe, with a police officer usually on duty, but we are increasingly learning that safety is relative. Two victims were walking behind this Publix when they were approached from behind by two subjects. One of the subjects threatened to kill them. The other reached into one of the victim’s pockets from behind and removed a cell phone. They then ran in an unknown direction. They are described as teenagers, each standing about 5’7’’ and weighing about 130 pounds. On top of everything else, we have to deal with little punks threatening our lives at our favorite supermarket? Load up on those protein bars.
NE 79th Street and NE 2nd Avenue
Taking the bus is a challenge, as you have to deal with some colorful, sleazy characters. (And those are just the bus drivers. Ba-dum ching!) This woman was boarding the bus when a man grabbed her from behind and tried to steal her cell phone. (What is it with cell phones lately?) She fought as bravely as she could, but the aggressive thief won the battle and ran off, disappearing behind the library. Smart move. He must have known no one uses the library anymore, so who was going to stop him?
Volume 14, Issue 7, September 2016
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