|Biscayne Crime Beat (May)|
Compiled by Derek McCann
Love, Miami Style400 Block of NE 30th Street
According to this police report, a woman was “helping someone out” by allowing that person to temporarily live with her. She was also dating him. To return the favor, her beau took her key ring one day without her permission. Perhaps he was going to prepare a beautiful feast replete with romantic candles and New Age music? Nope. Instead the victim discovered her jewelry, bag, and sunglasses missing, and the love of her life gone from the picture. Police were searching for the man at press time.
Lock It or Lose It1100 Block of NE 80th Street
Again, people, we are not living in Canada. This is Miami. For reasons unbeknownst to us, people continue to leave their doors unlocked. This person left the door unlocked for a maintenance man who was going to repair the water heater. When the victim arrived home, he found his home ransacked and several items stolen, including his Playstation 3. Please be aware that naiveté is a code word for “open score” in the criminal mind.
Say “Cheese” for Your Mug Shot4870 Biscayne Blvd.
Sometimes people want to pay for certain things, while acting as if they are entitled to others. This woman was shopping at Publix and went to the makeup aisle. She opened up a package of makeup and placed the contents in her purse, then threw the empty package behind the cheese. (Classy.) Continuing to shop, she eventually went through the checkout line, paying for everything in her cart -- except the makeup. She was stopped by police in the parking lot and promptly arrested. While the economy has hit us hard, and we need to make a good impression in those job interviews, do we really need to risk a mug shot to get the look we want?
Fit Thief Eats Turkey Hot Dog, Goes for Run400 Block of NE 36th Street
A thug grabbed some beer and a turkey hot dog at a gas station store and decided to leave without paying. (Turkey hot dog from a gas station? You would have to pay us to eat that.) The clerk electronically locked the door, which led the man to break it. He ran north to Biscayne Boulevard, then headed toward State Road 112. Police chased him. One even used his Taser, but to no avail; the thug kept running. The man crawled under a bridge and came out the other side, and even broke through a residential fence in an effort to escape. However, a team of police had materialized by this time and was able to forcefully subdue him.
Isn’t Weed Supposed to Chill You Out?60 NE 11th St.
Defendant was being arrested after being pulled over by police. Appears they found some marijuana in the car. As they continued searching the vehicle, they also found a Luger pistol inside the glove compartment. When asked about the gun, the man said, “I bought that at a pawn shop!” He then called the officer a name that rhymes with gas hole. Oh, what cops have to put up with. It turns out the gun was reported stolen in Arkansas. So being arrested for weed and a stolen gun? Who’s the gas hole, now?
Family Night in North Miami975 NE 125 St.
Woman was dining at a local restaurant with her black handbag hanging from the back of the chair. Tsk, tsk. This is kind of like the unlocked door from another entry in this Crime Beat, except this method is much closer to dangling a mouse in front of a cat. Predictably, she left the establishment and forgot the purse. When she returned -- wait for it -- the purse was gone. The woman noticed, however, that a lively party of six nearby was laughing the night away. Suspecting they had filched her purse, she waited for them to leave and actually attempted to block them in using her car, but they sped away. We guess the family that steals together, stays together.
Fast-Food Heist965 NE 125th St.
While Subway is known for its motto of “Eat fresh,” one has to understand that good food karma only infuriates the criminal brethren. After this Subway closed for the night, a vagrant dressed in black threw a brick through the window (setting off the alarm), entered the establishment, and stole a cash register. His total haul was $100, which is good for about 20 sandwiches at Subway, or perhaps a portion of his bail money, whichever comes first. We are hoping for the latter, of course.
Local Restaurant Serves Pig, Pays For It4590 NE 2nd Ave.
Even at the Buena Vista Deli, which draws a sophisticated crowd with its great desserts and fantastic brunch, problems can arise. The owner, known for being affable, approached a table only to be screamed at by this customer. Naturally, the owner asked him to leave. The man responded by pushing the owner in the chest, and kept eating. He then left without paying. If this stuff persists, they are going to have to put bars on that outside dining area. We hope polite Miamians will continue to outnumber the sociopaths. Order the Spanish omelet. It’s delicious.
Crazy Diner Avoids Sharing Charge5300 Block of N. Miami Avenue
Sometimes people just flip out and, when they do, it’s best to just drive away -- if you can. This poor victim was sitting in traffic when he was approached by a man carrying a doggie bag from a local restaurant. There must have been something in that food. He screamed at the driver and, when his attention-seeking behavior was ignored (normally the best strategy when dealing with Miami vermin), the man reached into the victim’s car and took the key from the ignition. He then took the food from his doggie bag and rubbed it into the interior of the car. This included cake. Police have not tracked him down, and lab tests have not determined whether the cake was angel food or coconut.
Handi-Capable and Then Some1700 Block of N. Bayshore Drive
A patron, checking out of the Double Tree Hotel, had his luggage brought down to him in the lobby. A man in an electric wheelchair drove up to one of the bags and waited a couple of minutes. The patron thought nothing of it and turned his head. Big mistake. The man in the wheelchair grabbed the bag and began speeding away. Seriously. He exited the lobby and headed north on Bayshore Drive. Police canvassed the area, but could not track him down. Even though he was in a wheelchair, carrying a piece of luggage. This just proves that people with disabilities can do anything anyone else can do -- and, in Miami, that is saying a lot.
Volume 14, Issue 11, January 2017
ARTSail launches its inaugural project
Sales, special events, and more from the people who make Biscayne Times possible