|Biscayne Crime Beat (April)|
COMPILED BY DEREK MCCANN
This Crime Is Under Construction6100 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
Miami’s Finest responded to a report of a theft of an air-conditioning unit; thieves apparently stole it from the roof of a building at approximately 3:00 in the morning. To make matters worse, it was the third time in the last week this building has been hit. The scene was contaminated by hulking but inept construction workers, so no fingerprints. Three burglaries committed at this address in a week? Maybe a demolition company should be called in to end the misery.
Whatever Floats Your Flat-Screen700 Block of NE 79th Street
Being a boat dealer may sound glamorous, and maybe it is. But there are headaches involved, such as weirdoes running around your property. A man entered this boatyard and proceeded to run from boat to boat, as if he were on some sort of bizarre yachting vacation. His version of a sea outing was to steal flat-screen televisions from two boats. His deeds were picked up by security cameras, yet security could not stop him. Police were called. They set up a perimeter search, to no avail. There is no known accomplice, but the suspect carried three flat-screen televisions somewhere.
Another Crazy Incident Downtown1000 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
Clueless woman lost her parking receipt and was told it would cost $50 to retrieve her car. She objected. Police were called. She told police she would pay the fee, but then got into her car and attempted to drive away without paying. Police managed stop her. She became, according to the police report, aggressive. The police officers then decided to “subdue” her. Crime Beat does not know what they did, but apparently she still had enough energy to throw her body around the back of the police car. At the jail, she claimed she was having a seizure. Rescue workers responded. While Crime Beat can sympathize with someone who is charged a pointless and punitive fee, we also know that a criminal record (and possible Baker Act-ing) is a lot worse.
Art by God, Theft by Scum3705 Biscayne Blvd.
A science nerd surveyed a meteorite rock for sale at the Art by God store. He expressed great interest and wanted to learn more. We guess he had questions like “What meteor did it break off from?” and “How many billions of years old is it?” Fair questions from a science geek, but in Miami, geeks can be just as scummy as hoods. When the kindly employee went to help another customer, she returned to find the curious and earnest patron missing, along with the rock. No doubt the thief is a Star Wars freak, so the rock is likely located in a dive apartment far, far away.
Livin’ La Vida Criminal601 Biscayne Blvd.
At the Premio Lo Nuestro awards show at the American Airlines Arena, Latin stars were honored for their contributions to music. One woman, feeling the love in the air, had to use the bathroom and left her jacket on the back of her chair. You would think Univision would be watching out for this sort of thing, but someone stole that jacket. The jacket contained the woman’s cell phone and her driver’s license. Regrettably, there are no witnesses. This probably happened during Ricky Martin’s number. Thieves know no one can take their eyes off Ricky.
Coffee, Tea, Or My Things?7800 Block of N. Bayshore Drive
A woman invited her next-door neighbor to her abode for coffee. This is a great way to start a friendship. In such a setting, one can talk about anything. Unfortunately, the deep conversation became a deep cleaning -- of the owner’s items. Things went missing and the owner accused her guest of taking them. The two began to yell at one another. Police were called and the “she said/she said” debacle continued. No one was arrested, but somehow, we suspect these neighbors have a little less faith in humanity.
Another Promising Legal Mind Wasted1000 Block of NE 84th Street
Police saw a homeless man carrying a black bag while walking away from a home. They stopped him. Guess they profiled him because such a man should not be carrying a black bag, walking away from a residence not his own. In this case, the police were right. The man spontaneously offered: “I did not break into that house. The bag was sitting right there in front of the door, so I took it.” Police promptly arrested him and, just like that, another person is now in the Miami-Dade lockup. Somehow taking something that was not his was justified because he did not damage or burglarize the home. Nice try.
A Pretty Good Night Out, Except for the Ending300 Block of Biscayne Boulevard
This drunk (of course) got into a beautiful Range Rover with his new girlfriends (of 20 minutes) and began having some fun in the back seat. Well, during a particular sex act, one girlfriend took his wallet while the other slipped his $5000 Rolex off his wrist. They also took his cell phone. Before he had a chance to grasp any of this, they dropped him off and promised to come back for him. They never did.
Post Office Refuses to Stamp Out Crime7600 Block of NE 3rd Place
We know this happens, but rarely is it reported. A suspicious woman paced nervously around victim’s mailbox, looking in various directions. After several minutes, she opened the mailbox and removed the victim’s mail. She then went running full speed into a waiting vehicle. (Yes, there was a waiting vehicle, because one man’s junk mail is another man’s treasure.) No arrests have been made. The post office was notified, but representatives told police they will not be responding to the incident. Guess they would have to raise the price of stamps to pay for those types of investigations.
All That and a Free Night In Jail, Too?1700 Block of N. Bayshore Drive
A woman had a lively time consuming food and drink. After all we go through, shouldn’t we all eat, drink, and be merry once in a while? You don’t even need money. Just run up a tab and sneak out without paying. That’s what this woman did. Maybe you’ll get away, or maybe you’ll be stopped by police. In this case, it was the latter. The woman did not help matters by cursing at the officers. (After all that merriment, why become hostile?) She went out with style, readers, yelling all the way to the police car and, likely, later vomiting in the jailhouse toilet. But she had her fill, and only paid for it with a criminal record.
Volume 15, Issue 2, April 2017
Sales, special events, and more from the people who make Biscayne Times possible